Euphoria-addict,

I was in desperate need of paper and a pen, instead I had a camera with me. I seeked euphoria in you. I seek it in all of you.

Meanwhile I sit near the river. Look at the water. It flatters the curves of the river. Hand flows against the skin of hip. Tongue makes a circle around bellybutton.

People walk by but I don't hear them. I have more than I need with me. Keys, a little bit of money, camera, cell phone. I could sit here a night through. Write a novel.

Being part of this perfect moment, I'm imperfect.

Egotrippi euforiaa,

On hyviä ja huonoja päiviä. Joskus huonot päivät voittaa, silloin pienetkin onnen hetket on suuria.

Suomen visiitin jälkeen on tapahtunut paljon. On niin paljon sanottavaa ja silti niin vähän, etten ole kykenevä kirjoittamaan järkevää tekstiä. Kaikki tuntuu liialta tai liian vähältä, suurelta tai vähäpätöiseltä, sekavalta tai ei, nololta tai ihan järkevältä, ei-julkaisukelpoiselta tai täysin inhimilliseltä - tai kaikkia näitä yhtäaikaa... Siispä teen plussa/miinuslistan ja vielä hampurilaismalliin (+, -, +), että jää parempi mieli 8)

+ Eilen kuljin yksin ympäri Padovaa veden äärellä, joen vieressä. Kolme tuntia kuljin ja halusin soittaa jollekulle, mutten soittanut saldon takia. Olin pakotettu olemaan yksin, jota ehkä tarvitsin enemmän kuin koskaan. Huomasin etten ole ottanut sitä aikaa itselleni.
+ Tajusin miten monta hyvää ystävää olen saanut tämän vuoden aikana. Korvaamattomia kaikkia. Ja miten monesta vanhasta tuttavuudesta on tullut tärkeempiä tai vanhojen ystävien tärkeys on korostunut.
+ Juttelin tänään yhden kämppäkaverini kanssa ensimmäistä kertaa kunnolla. Puhuttiin englanniksi ja kaikenlaisesta. Huomasin miten kauan minulla meni toipua koko muuttohässäkästä... yli kuukausi, että totuin edes olemaan yksin ja rauhoittumaan omassa huoneessa, nukkumaan hyvin. Sovittiin, että katotaan yhdessä leffa ens viikolla luulen.
+ Sain (mitä luultavimmin) projektityön mamman kerhon tekemää julkaisua taittamaan. Llloistavaa!
-+ Egotrippi laulaa sen hyvin: "Niinhän sitä luulisi että onneton olisin vuoksesi, mutta tänään ymmärsin tää oli peliä, jonka sinä hävisit ja minä voitin." Voitin ihan itseäni varten.
- Kortit, kamera, kännykkä yms. varastettiin.
- Hukkasin hermostuksissani myös suomalaisen SIM-kortin ja kaiken tämän kasinon vuoksi jouduin jättämään Barcelonan väliin.
- Olen tehnyt typeryyksiä, jotka kuittaan kyllä ihan omaan tyhmyyteeni ja kokeilunhaluuni. En kuitenkaan kadu mitään, enkä ole loukannut ketään. Kaikki hyvin siis toistaiseksi. Eipähän tarvitse tehdä toiseen kertaan.
- En juhlinut syntymäpäivääni huonotuulisuuteni vuoksi. (Olen ollut 2 viikkoa 22-vuotias.)
- En ole saanut luettua juuri ollenkaan kaikenlaisten tekosyiden vuoksi. Nyt olen päässyt kuitenkin siis teoreettista tekstiä (ja vielä italiaksi) eteenpäin 6 sivua.
- Vakuutus ei korvannut menetettyä Barcelonan matkaa, mutta
+ sain kuitenkin jonkinverran takaisin varastettujen tavaroiden menetyksen vuoksi.
+ Seikkailin piazza delle Erben suihkulähteessä viime keskiviikkona, paikallisena lauantaina, jolloin kaikki opiskelijat kerääntyvät piazzalle juomaan yhdessä. Nauroin koko keskiviikkoillan ja torstai-aamulla kun mietin flash-backeja edellisillasta.
+ Ajettiin auringonnousuun: "Tällaisena iltana vois vaikka itseensä rakastua ja haistattaa pitkät kaikille koko rahalla. Tällaisena iltana on niin hienoa hengissä olla. Ikkunat auki pitkin kolmosta, kuljetaan auringonlaskussa."
+ Kävin yhden professorini puheilla. Matt neuvoi puhumaan hänelle vain totuuden, eikä sepittelemään tarinoita. Totuushan on etten ole käynyt tunneilla sitten maaliskuun. Syy on inhimillinen, joskin kovin huono... kaikkien takaiskujen vuoksi en ole vain ollut.. kykenevä (tai minkä sanan tähän nyt sitten valikoisi). Professori oli kuitenkin kovin ymmärtäväinen ja sanoi, että ensinnäkin väitöksistäni huolimatta puhun hyvää italiaa ja toisekseen neuvoi tien kopiopaikkaan, josta sain kaikki materiaalit kympillä. Minun pitäisi lukea ne ja katsoa eräs DVD ja tulla vain kokeeseen. Lähtiessäni sanoi vielä, että kerrohan myöhemminkin jos on yhtään minkäänlaisia ongelmia. Lähdin hymyillen.
+ Olen käynyt Fahrenheit 145 nimisessä internet/opiskelukahvilassa. Omistajapariskunta tuntee minut jo ja esimerkiksi eilen ihana harmaahapsi toi mulle ilmaiseksi juurileivottua kakkua. Usein tuovat mulle jotain pikkuhyvyyksiä istuttuani tunteja täällä. Kotoisaa!

Mun tarvis päättää huomiseen mennessä lähdenkö sekalaisen porukan mukana Kroatiaan viikonlopuksi (maanantai on kansallinen vapaapäivä). Kroatian upeaan saaristoon rannalle. Hm.

Rivoltami,

I got pictures from Fabian of the trip Padova-Mestre-Albarella-god knows where... now that I watch back, I had a lot of fun there. It is something to watch back to :)

As the sun was rising!

After everything, during today my new finnish sim-card will be in the post with a new-old phone that suits my needs. My parents had got a note that my credit card has arrived to the bank. It's all turning out alright.

I've also made some decisions after I talked to mom in the weekend. Monday was a hard day but it was worth all the rain. Without going to the details.. now the sun is really coming from behind the clouds. Thank you for all the couragement and kind words that I got!

Sunday turning to Monday,

He hugged me there in the club. I was surprised how tight the hug was. There was no words needed when I swallowed tears in his teddybeary lap as he kissed my forehead. Bad times were forgotten in a glipse and like I told him, it was strange to say that it was good to see him.

I felt terribly good. I had needed that couragement and I got it from a person least expected. He has no idea what is going on in my life and he knew just the words to say. No words at all.

Tie pelastaa
Tie pelastaa jos uskaltaa
Tie pelastaa jos vaihtaa suuntaa

Road saves
Road saves if you dare
Road saves if you change your direction

Apulanta - Maanantai (Monday)

Syntymäpäivä,

Ei se syntymäpäivä siis juuriltaan kakka ollut. Monet ihmiset muisti minuu (joista tosin puoliakaan numeroita en tiedä, kun ei ole niitä enää).


Katri lähetti mulle tän linkin<3

http://www.vimeo.com/993998
Jussi lähetti tän <3 ja postissa tuli ihan oikeana päivänäkin pyöröpaketti jonka sisällä oli juliste Spiderpigistä :D:D Selvennykseksi siis että kun näin leffan niin lauloin yleisön raivostumiseen asti sitä rallatusta.

Just take everything, god damnit.

Being robbed is long way from fun. What I figured out is that even if they take everything, please don't take my credit card.

After I got back from the party, I arranged myself a phone. Fredi lended me a phone and gladly it works with my cable so I can have access to internet aswell. In the shop of the operator they blocked the last SIM-card and got me the same number. Only money loss there and internet still existing without further payments.

I made a report of theft. In the police station.. well, the arrangements there for a foreigner were somewhat interesting. However it was surprisingly easy for being an italian system and I survived from the station within an hour.

I searched for the receit of the camera and went to a internet point to scan all the possible documents needed to my parents. Now it's just waiting for the insurance company.

I blocked my card as soon as I could get to the number of blocking it. They were very nice and making questions about the situation which later on made more clear for me what things needed to be told at the police station. The next morning I called my bank in Finland and even when they were very empathic... they did not help my getting the card at all or didn't make it urgent. I was just left mad, even when I understand it cannot be done so fast.

So, everything was turning out fine again. I was still upset, but everything was working out. My parents transfered all the money on my account to theirs to protect it and they put more money on the account of a finnish friend here and to Laura's account for the trip of Barcelona.

The story continues as my birthday came up the next day. I woke up and my roommate was smiling at me and wishing happy birthday. There was packages waiting for me which made me smile and laugh on my own in my small room. I was smiling.

I went out of the house to have dinner with Milka and to get money from her to have some for living. Everything was fine, until I realized that I didn't find my finnish SIM-card anywhere anymore. I always put it to the same place in my wallet where there is a zipper. I was desperate. I was running through the cafeteria and searching and asking everyone. I was sure it was not at home because I changed the card in the cafeteria. I was again upset.

At the same time as I was searching urgently the card everywhere, Laura calls me to tell that she is so sick that she cannot probably fly. She was not sure yet. I wasn't really focusing on that problem then and she told me she'd call later. By the time that she called me to tell that she had cancelled the flights, I had been sitting in a toilet crying for some time. I was so tired and so unbalanced that I didn't know what to do. I cancelled the meeting for my birthday in the evening because I didn't want them to look at an upset birthday girl and all I really wanted was just to shut myself somewhere inside.

So now.. I don't have my finnish SIM-card and I'm not going to Barcelona as I have no way of getting money. Laura was my only source of money there.

When I finally reached mom, she told me to calm down and drink camomilla, because now I was just loosing things because of being so upset. After sleeping a while I was still sure I didn't want to celebrate this day. I ended up going to Milka's residence watching a film and eating crap-food.

Now I'm just still tired of all the crying... and I'm hungry as well. The good thing in misfortune is that you can see how many people around you are really ready to help you. I'm sure I'm going to be fine, even when I was ready to book the flights back home. I'm going to be fine, because even when I once again need to stand up, there's support. There's people who support me and care enough to give a hand.

Once again, I'm grateful.

House at the beach,

After I came back from Finland a lot has happened. I got to know more of the people I got to know first through Fredi. I met Fabian and Mickela for example. I met them a week ago in the piazza when like on all the Wednesdays the students gather up. I was telling them that we had planned to celebrate my birthday in Prato della Valle on the next Saturday as in a picnic. The original plan also included to go to a nearby city to party and return with one of the first trains. The plan expanded.

In the end at Prato there was a lot of people in the group that I didn't know and with them, in Fabian's car, we went to the near-by city, Mestre (just one before Venezia) to a social palace called Rivolta. I gathers up from a house which some people took over and turned it into a huge club of different sections. It was like a festival where people sell unordinary cd's for a little money and funny t-shirts, but it happens every weekend. There was three different halls of different kinds of music (Reggae, Minimal/Industrial and... I don't know what to call it.)

After the club, at 5-6am the car was directed to the beach. The original plan was to go to Lido to the beach to enjoy sunrise and swim. But the plan expanded as well and we ended up to a private area in Albarella, where Mickela's grandparent(s) have a beachhouse. When they told the plan it sounded very good and dreamish. In the end, as Mickela's wallet had got stolen that evening from Prato della Valle, we couldn't get in.. the whole island of Albarella is private and filled with houses. It is guarded day and night and you can only enter it within certain times. There was a small beach with small boats, so we landed there drinking wine and sleeping. It was like from a movie. Drunk young people talking, laughing and drinking on a beach while the sun is rising.



When we finally did enter, the house turned out to be something that I didn't imagine (based on Hollywood movies of course). It was a small apartment, which had a small garden in front and if you went out of the yard there was water. Not the beach but like a harbour for boats (without boats) with tall sidebuildings and you could just swim there. Milka and I walked around there and were certained that it was a place for only quite wealthy people. There was swimming pools and really glamorous houses.

I have no pictures to show you of any of these events and of the extraordinary looong evening anyway, because in the club at 4am, while dancing and having my purse with me all the times. My phone, camera, cards and some money got stolen. From my bag, which was on me all the times.

Even if I was highly sad about this loss of material, as I'm looking back after few days of "calming down", the evening was great. Like Milka said in the car to Fabian, this is already the greatest night so far and it's not even over yet. If nothing else, it is something to remember. On Sunday we got home at 5pm, so the long evening for us lasted... almost a day and as I looked back to it then, it felt at least like two split nights, not just one long one.

Second of Finland,

Only pictures.

I loved all the seconds.

First of Finland,

There's so many reasons for me not to like Padova and not want to live there. I know that. As well as I know that even if I want to stay in Finland for the old days, I also know that I don't want those days to start just yet.

In the morning I went out for few last things to do anymore. I saw Piero. He doesn't know any english, so it's only italian with him. It's not always so easy, but I'm surprised of my confidence in speaking now. I can actually make jokes and have a conversation. Usually I miss some words and depending on the person the conversation is VAIHTELEVASTI successful. However, I realize that after starting to hang-out more with finnish people my italian has improved. I don't talk so much english and I don't have to focus so much on changing from language to language. Or maybe that has nothing to do with hanging out with finnish people. Maybe it's a change in me. I hope so.

I even enjoy talking italian. It doesn't feel like work anymore.

The last hours at home, I had nothing to do anymore, but I didn't dare to leave the house before actually leaving for the bus station. I did nothing. I couldn't sit in front of the computer but I didn't have anything else to do either... so I just wandered around thinking if I should eat something or pack some more or leave already or... I leave home very early to first catch the tram and then the bus at the station. At the bus station a nun asks me if a bus is a bus to Venezia. She starts to ask where I'm going with such big luggage. She talks slow if I don't understand. When the bus comes I touch her hand to make her aware of it. When she leaves the bus, she touches mine and waves. "Buon viaggio cara!"

On the way to the airport I see a lot of things. There is bright red flowers on the side of the road. A family of ducks going to a river. A HAIKARA. Signs.. I see all signs. Were they all there before, but I was too tired, too sad, too.. something to realize it.

I get to the airport I'm one hour early for the check-in. It goes fast. I read some more of The Alchemist and listen to my mp3-player. I watch at the screen telling me which check-in. There's a storm inside me. I can figure out all the possible reasons why not leave Italy and not go to Finland. And vice versa. I cannot figure out what I want. I think of Mario who just came from Singapore where he found not just love but also a place he wants to go with one way ticket. He fell in love with Singapore like he did with Finland.

Standing in line with all finnish speaking people, I realize how much I dislike it. I even catch myself thinking that I will never take Finnair again because there is nothing but around me. I dislike their need to get everything done right at the very second (no ability to wait). I dislike their way of looking. I think there's only one young girl and a really old guy that look worth getting to know to. Just for a while I like about the world except for my home country.

I have so many reasons to dislike Italy. None of them have anything to do with the country itself. All of them are about my experience here. Why go, why stay. When to go and when to stay? I have no idea.

I just know that I'm (fucking) excited to see my family, grandparents and friends again.. but the excitment does not include the country itself.

There is something that I absolutely adore in leaving. Unknown.

300408

Tässä, kauniina kuin mastodontti konsanaa, suorassa kuin juhannussalko. - Jussi

After I walked through the gates of the airport. Coming from the no-mans-land I felt so out of place. I was happy to be there, but it was strange to understand what the women behind the desk selling sandwichs'said to each other.

Later on I did so much that I didn't usually do when I was in Finland. I talked to an unknown woman on the busstop and she seemed to be happy to be talked to. I walked around in the shops... and finally in the bookstore where I could understand most of the books. In the beginning I even found italians from the food hall of Turku. There is a small italian restaurant where two men were talking italian. I stop, look back...

"you talk italian"
"yes we do"
"how nice"
"sit here and have lunch with us"
"no, i can't now"

The first days I was completely out of place. I wanted back to Italy so bad and I seeked signs to tell me that I belong there. I should be there, but everytime I only found a certain peace of mind that I have when walking these streets. It's a feeling I have for myself when I am here. I like myself here and I'm me in here. I don't think the people who know me in Italy, know the me that people here know and who I know.. or the me I want to be for everyone and in everywhere.