Hello, I'm still here,

It's been over 3 months since I came back on this beloved land of Finland. Time has been hard but I'm sure I'll find it rewarding afterward like I do find Italy now. Reading through the entries and still getting emails with questions of people going to Padova or anything related to what I went through and what I saw, is exactly that - rewarding. I feel like I did something. Even if mostly it was for my family and friends to be updated of what I'm doing there.

Sooner or later some of my information of the locations and activities are getting old. But the experience in itself never gets old. If you have any questions regarding Padova, studying abroad or any - even - personal questions, let me know about them!

I'm keeping a blog about my time after Italy (link removed, blog doesn't exist anymore), which appears to be much more challenging than keeping this blog. The shock that I experienced of being back home was at times devastating, but you gotta go through it to learn. During these months I've also got an internship place in southern Spain. So my adventurous days abroad are definitely not over. (My fierce plan is to conquer the world by seeing everything!) When the time comes, maybe there will be a blog about that as well. For the means of sharing. I'll keep my doors open :)

Lately I've been browsing through this blog, due to writing my thesis of it - and exchange blogs as a tool for contact. If you have any interesting comments or anything to say about that, I'll be more than happy to hear your thoughts. If it was you following this blog while I was actively writing, reading it sometimes or if you just found it.

Baci!

Goodbye,

I'm home. I'm healthy and my mood goes up and down. This blog will stay here for me and for you, but the time is over. The change is in front of me or is here or even done already. For the upcoming, there's still things I'll write about...

http://autumn-traveller.blogspot.com/

I have a dream of travelling along the autumn. I'd move (mostly) horizontally and change the place when ever the fall starts go for winter and the colorful leaves would start to fall.

En halua lähteä.

Helsinki tule mut hakemaan. Mennään!

Can I have an affair/relationship with a country?

I mean, I always feel like a freak because
I'm never able to move on like (snaps her fingers together)
this, you know.

People just have an affair,
or even... entire relationships.
They break up and they forget!
They move on
like they would have changed a brand of Cereals!

I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with
because each person have... you know, specific qualities.
You can never replace anyone.

What is lost is lost.
Each relationship, when it ends,
damages me. I haven't fully recovered.
That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much!
Even getting laid! I actually don't do that...
I will miss of the person, the most mundane things.
Like I'm obsessed with little things.

Maybe I'm crazy, but...

When I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school.
One day she followed me to see why.
I was looking at
chestnuts falling from the trees,
rolling on the sidewalk, or...
ants, crossing the road...
the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk...
Little things.

I think it's the same with people.
I see in them little details,
so specific to each other,
that move me,
and that I miss, and...
will always miss.

You can never replace anyone,
because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.



Celine in the movie "Before Sunset"

Feel the heat,

I don't remember where I bike from, but I know ahead is only home. Every block wants a different sense. (ears) Birds singing loud, dogs barking at each other, sprinkler watering the grass, (nose) different flowers smelling one by one, (eye) water glaring in front of the sun, man picking up a flower and giving it to an older lady.

Sometimes it's full harmony to be alone. To bike alone. In your block of smells, sights and sounds. Don't mix them, when they are alone. The wind stroke my hair as the asfalt was running under the two wheels.

Only one combination of everything follows me home. A big house is colored grey. Its yard is a mixture of beton, dryed grass and mud. The dark greenish wooden curtains are almost down. The dynamy comes of its sound. Loud classical music dancing to my ears as I turn my look towards home again.

This street takes 2 minutes and it's the best part of the day.

I miss order,

I can't wait to enter my new home in Vantaa. I can't wait to have Kimmo as my neighbour. To feel myself useful again. To study.. for real and to study in finnish. To sit in the auditorio listening to some uninteresting (though preferably interesting) lecturer in finnish. To make food with friends. To decorate my new room and actually have some use for the living room. To lie on my own couch again. To watch finnish tv! To have some sense in this life. To have a rhythm in my life. To eat finnish goods like rye bread with voimariini, smoked salmon, raejuusto, fazer sweets, Estrella Manhattan chips.. To bake something for real. To enjoy the gorgeous night life of Helsinki. And, to see all of you.

What I however will miss here (one of the things):

The weather.

There is only one moment which I'm not looking forward to. The actual leaving. Getting on the bus, seeing Padova for the last time, saying good bye to the few left, standing in the middle of the airport all alone and realizing that this was it.

Glitter on my cheeks,

"Stai meglio?"
I nod.
"Sono qui più vicino."

Flight booked,

It's official. On 28th of July I'm leaving this country for undefined period of time.

Olen ehkä rakastunut!

Olen käynyt tässä samaisessa internet kahvilassa, joka on siis vähän kaikkea yhdessä. Baari, kahvila, opiskeluaula, hengailupaikka, kokoontumispaikka.. Vietän täällä melkein kaikki päiväni yrittäen opiskella. Syön, vietän aikaa, katson konsertteja ja jalkapallomatseja, opiskelen...

Parhaita ovat vanhempi nainen ja mies, jotka yleensä pitävät puljua pystyssä. Äsken mies kävi pistämässä erilaista musiikkia päälle. Naureskelin puoliääneen kun kauittimista alkoi tulla Fullmontyn "You can leave your hat on". Mies menee baarin taakse ja ennen kun alkaa raaputtamaan pikkugrilliä, nostaa kädet ilmaan ja keikuttaa lanteitaan hymisemiseni johdosta :) Eilen kun hän haki Tiramisù-kulhoni pois, kääntyi puoleen ja kuiskasi: "Minä menen nyt ulos tupakalle, sinä olet paikan rouva!" :)

Jos olen ehtinyt paikalle ennen heitä, molemmat vilkuttavat minulle tullessaan. Joskus tarjoavat kakkua, popcornia tai kahvia :) Sanoin joitain päiviä sitten Mattille, että tunnen oloni niin kotoisaksi täällä. Ihan kuin kuuluisin perheeseen. Ja jotkut vielä ihmettelevät miksi ramppaan täällä päivä toisensa jälkeen.

Olen miettinyt monesti ääneen miten tämä kahvila voi tuottaa yhtään mitään. Ihmiset tulevat tänne tilaamatta mitään. Wireless on ilmaista. Eikä kahvilakaan ole mikään rupuinen ja tilaa löytyy. Matt arveli, että työntekijät ovat vapaaehtoisia.

Tämä paikka saa minut niin hyvälle tuulelle tunnelmallaan! Olen tutustunut täällä opiskellessani enemmän ihmisiin kuin koko luennoilla istumisaikanani. Miksen tullut tänne aiemmin!!

Fahrenheit 451, Via Niccolò Tommaseo 96a, 35131 Padova (PD)

Dear flatmates,

I've noticed here while staying at the new house that somehow it is really hard for me to adjust to people here. I mean generally in the house. I've given it a lot of thought and tried to figure out what can be done.

At this moment, I really miss the arrangement in Finland. The appartments I've been living (and asked for) are for only two. That means 80% less of people to arrange things with. How to organize cleaning and buying things together. There's always someone who's not happy or who doesn't understand how things actually go. I can blame all my flatmates for not doing things right from the very beginning, but the plain fact is that... I'm not a saint either.

In my ex-house I really got on well with Giada and Marica in the end. They were somewhat like sisters to me. We never really went to a really personal level on things we talked about, but I always knew they'd be there if I needed support. In this new house, I have similar kind of feeling with Giulia. I haven't talked to her half as much just because she's never around. There's weeks when I don't see none of them once, even if they do sleep at home every night. They are gonne in the morning when I wake up and/or already sleep when I come home. Or the other way around (this is much more seldom).

I sure feel much more comfortable in this house and I defenitely do not regret moving here. I like already only the idea of a single room. I don't know if that's cultural or what, but I feel ackward withdrawing from them when they are eating together in the livingroom. When I first came here, I thought the strange tension between was just because of the language (and I still do believe that) and simply the unresolved issues I had with the last house. Just getting used to living in another place took me months. Now I'm living here for the 3rd month and I stll don't somehow have anything to talk about with the other two flatmates around (Camilla and Alessandra). Francesco, who is one of the sweetest guys I've met here, is never around. The time I've been here, he has slept in his room for maybe 4 nights. The rest of the time he is at his girlfriend's house.

Few days ago Camilla asked me (talking very slowly italian) with what do I wash my clothes with as there is no washing liquid left. Apparently I had used whithener or something like that.. I have really little idea. I was grinning at the episode and thinking it was quite funny. I didn't even think it was so important - and then the two girls continued their talk in italian thinking what I had used. Saying nothing to me anymore.

Every time something like this happens, I add up things to the list of why I really don't feel like talking to some people. I don't see the point. It is not like talking italian is easy for me anyways... it's not easy when certain people are around. And don't let me even get started on how difficult joking is with the language. Then they just stare at me when the joke is obvious. It gets me frustrated..

I cannot wait to get to the student appartment arrangements in Finland. HOPING that this luck will not continue and I will actually be blessed with a bearable flatmate. Please.

Censored version of Croatia,

Pictures for you my loves. I made a stripped version just to have the privacy zone for some people. To explain.. there were some pro-nudist people in our group.

Croatia (Katso merta!)

The trip, if possible, is renewed in the end of this month. Gorgeous country, here I come again!

Poropizza,

Pizza alla renna, Berlusconi "testimonial"
Juttu tärkeimmässä italialaisessa lehdessä (italiaksi toki).
A story in the most important italian magazine (in italian of course).

"Suomalainen verikosto"
Iltalehden juttu Corrieren jutusta (eli suomennoskonetta ei välttämättä tarvita).
The finnish version on the piece in Corriere.

Google Translator
Myös italiasta suomeksi löydettävissä (ei voi taata luettavuutta).
Also italian to finnish available (readableness not guaranteed).

Ciao cari,

I'm ok.. still alive. A lot has happened again. I went to Croatia, because feverishly sick and then Suvi came here for awesome 4 days. I have a lot of pictures to show and... most of all, I'm happy.

Sometimes changing the environment is a good idea. Padova is probably at the moment the most brightest on this time I've spent here. I love being here and if someone would as me now, I would say I wouldn't want to leave but I want to go home. It's a strange feeling and like I said to Matthew some time ago... it would've been easier to keep on disliking Padova. But as I'm also very addicted to euphoria, this is a better choice.

Now I'm studying. I have probably just two exams to do and I'm completely screwed anyways. One professor hasn't answered to my e-mails anything. I've been trying to send me few and no answer. On his personal professor-page it says that meetings can be arranged via e-mail. Well what to do? One exam I'm studying for all the time and another one... well I'll be horrible in it but I'll go and try anyways. Maybe I'll get pity points :)

Yesterday Giulia and her boyfriend were at the house. Reetta and I made pasta and some tomatosauce which succeeded to look like vomit. But it was good vomit :P Giulia was cute. She was her chipper self and apparently they had drank something. Then I were talking about.. she leaned more close and whispered: "Well actually I'm happy because Ale (boyfriend) is here." I keep wondering how will they do when she goes to Spain for a year. For me everyone keeps telling "yes but you are going away... just have fun." I remember few years back when everyone kept telling that distance is no deal. There's the internet and everything and there's many people doing it. I guess it was the first honey-moon stage of internet dating... then they realized that having someone in the same room is defenitely not the same as having it on the otherside of a wire... kilometres away.

Today I talked to Fabian about leaving. The most strange thing is probably that you are used to the surroundings around you and the people that you don't actually talk to so much, but they are in the same circles... when you get back, they might not be there. Like now... I'm not going back to Laurea. I'm going to Metropolia. And coming back here will most definitely not be the same. Erasmus people leave, people move and the most important of all, I won't live here anymore. I won't bike along these streets like I'm biking them now.

I'm happy. I'm euphoric and I'm something I haven't been for all this time of my being here. I'm happy.

Even when change is sometimes not easy and even when you are happy somewhere, changing at the moment of the complete happiness might guarantee the continuing happiness. Not everything is suppose to continue.

Euphoria keeps people young. "Euphoria and craziness", like someone just told me.

Euphoria-addict,

I was in desperate need of paper and a pen, instead I had a camera with me. I seeked euphoria in you. I seek it in all of you.

Meanwhile I sit near the river. Look at the water. It flatters the curves of the river. Hand flows against the skin of hip. Tongue makes a circle around bellybutton.

People walk by but I don't hear them. I have more than I need with me. Keys, a little bit of money, camera, cell phone. I could sit here a night through. Write a novel.

Being part of this perfect moment, I'm imperfect.

Egotrippi euforiaa,

On hyviä ja huonoja päiviä. Joskus huonot päivät voittaa, silloin pienetkin onnen hetket on suuria.

Suomen visiitin jälkeen on tapahtunut paljon. On niin paljon sanottavaa ja silti niin vähän, etten ole kykenevä kirjoittamaan järkevää tekstiä. Kaikki tuntuu liialta tai liian vähältä, suurelta tai vähäpätöiseltä, sekavalta tai ei, nololta tai ihan järkevältä, ei-julkaisukelpoiselta tai täysin inhimilliseltä - tai kaikkia näitä yhtäaikaa... Siispä teen plussa/miinuslistan ja vielä hampurilaismalliin (+, -, +), että jää parempi mieli 8)

+ Eilen kuljin yksin ympäri Padovaa veden äärellä, joen vieressä. Kolme tuntia kuljin ja halusin soittaa jollekulle, mutten soittanut saldon takia. Olin pakotettu olemaan yksin, jota ehkä tarvitsin enemmän kuin koskaan. Huomasin etten ole ottanut sitä aikaa itselleni.
+ Tajusin miten monta hyvää ystävää olen saanut tämän vuoden aikana. Korvaamattomia kaikkia. Ja miten monesta vanhasta tuttavuudesta on tullut tärkeempiä tai vanhojen ystävien tärkeys on korostunut.
+ Juttelin tänään yhden kämppäkaverini kanssa ensimmäistä kertaa kunnolla. Puhuttiin englanniksi ja kaikenlaisesta. Huomasin miten kauan minulla meni toipua koko muuttohässäkästä... yli kuukausi, että totuin edes olemaan yksin ja rauhoittumaan omassa huoneessa, nukkumaan hyvin. Sovittiin, että katotaan yhdessä leffa ens viikolla luulen.
+ Sain (mitä luultavimmin) projektityön mamman kerhon tekemää julkaisua taittamaan. Llloistavaa!
-+ Egotrippi laulaa sen hyvin: "Niinhän sitä luulisi että onneton olisin vuoksesi, mutta tänään ymmärsin tää oli peliä, jonka sinä hävisit ja minä voitin." Voitin ihan itseäni varten.
- Kortit, kamera, kännykkä yms. varastettiin.
- Hukkasin hermostuksissani myös suomalaisen SIM-kortin ja kaiken tämän kasinon vuoksi jouduin jättämään Barcelonan väliin.
- Olen tehnyt typeryyksiä, jotka kuittaan kyllä ihan omaan tyhmyyteeni ja kokeilunhaluuni. En kuitenkaan kadu mitään, enkä ole loukannut ketään. Kaikki hyvin siis toistaiseksi. Eipähän tarvitse tehdä toiseen kertaan.
- En juhlinut syntymäpäivääni huonotuulisuuteni vuoksi. (Olen ollut 2 viikkoa 22-vuotias.)
- En ole saanut luettua juuri ollenkaan kaikenlaisten tekosyiden vuoksi. Nyt olen päässyt kuitenkin siis teoreettista tekstiä (ja vielä italiaksi) eteenpäin 6 sivua.
- Vakuutus ei korvannut menetettyä Barcelonan matkaa, mutta
+ sain kuitenkin jonkinverran takaisin varastettujen tavaroiden menetyksen vuoksi.
+ Seikkailin piazza delle Erben suihkulähteessä viime keskiviikkona, paikallisena lauantaina, jolloin kaikki opiskelijat kerääntyvät piazzalle juomaan yhdessä. Nauroin koko keskiviikkoillan ja torstai-aamulla kun mietin flash-backeja edellisillasta.
+ Ajettiin auringonnousuun: "Tällaisena iltana vois vaikka itseensä rakastua ja haistattaa pitkät kaikille koko rahalla. Tällaisena iltana on niin hienoa hengissä olla. Ikkunat auki pitkin kolmosta, kuljetaan auringonlaskussa."
+ Kävin yhden professorini puheilla. Matt neuvoi puhumaan hänelle vain totuuden, eikä sepittelemään tarinoita. Totuushan on etten ole käynyt tunneilla sitten maaliskuun. Syy on inhimillinen, joskin kovin huono... kaikkien takaiskujen vuoksi en ole vain ollut.. kykenevä (tai minkä sanan tähän nyt sitten valikoisi). Professori oli kuitenkin kovin ymmärtäväinen ja sanoi, että ensinnäkin väitöksistäni huolimatta puhun hyvää italiaa ja toisekseen neuvoi tien kopiopaikkaan, josta sain kaikki materiaalit kympillä. Minun pitäisi lukea ne ja katsoa eräs DVD ja tulla vain kokeeseen. Lähtiessäni sanoi vielä, että kerrohan myöhemminkin jos on yhtään minkäänlaisia ongelmia. Lähdin hymyillen.
+ Olen käynyt Fahrenheit 145 nimisessä internet/opiskelukahvilassa. Omistajapariskunta tuntee minut jo ja esimerkiksi eilen ihana harmaahapsi toi mulle ilmaiseksi juurileivottua kakkua. Usein tuovat mulle jotain pikkuhyvyyksiä istuttuani tunteja täällä. Kotoisaa!

Mun tarvis päättää huomiseen mennessä lähdenkö sekalaisen porukan mukana Kroatiaan viikonlopuksi (maanantai on kansallinen vapaapäivä). Kroatian upeaan saaristoon rannalle. Hm.

Rivoltami,

I got pictures from Fabian of the trip Padova-Mestre-Albarella-god knows where... now that I watch back, I had a lot of fun there. It is something to watch back to :)

As the sun was rising!

After everything, during today my new finnish sim-card will be in the post with a new-old phone that suits my needs. My parents had got a note that my credit card has arrived to the bank. It's all turning out alright.

I've also made some decisions after I talked to mom in the weekend. Monday was a hard day but it was worth all the rain. Without going to the details.. now the sun is really coming from behind the clouds. Thank you for all the couragement and kind words that I got!

Sunday turning to Monday,

He hugged me there in the club. I was surprised how tight the hug was. There was no words needed when I swallowed tears in his teddybeary lap as he kissed my forehead. Bad times were forgotten in a glipse and like I told him, it was strange to say that it was good to see him.

I felt terribly good. I had needed that couragement and I got it from a person least expected. He has no idea what is going on in my life and he knew just the words to say. No words at all.

Tie pelastaa
Tie pelastaa jos uskaltaa
Tie pelastaa jos vaihtaa suuntaa

Road saves
Road saves if you dare
Road saves if you change your direction

Apulanta - Maanantai (Monday)

Syntymäpäivä,

Ei se syntymäpäivä siis juuriltaan kakka ollut. Monet ihmiset muisti minuu (joista tosin puoliakaan numeroita en tiedä, kun ei ole niitä enää).


Katri lähetti mulle tän linkin<3

http://www.vimeo.com/993998
Jussi lähetti tän <3 ja postissa tuli ihan oikeana päivänäkin pyöröpaketti jonka sisällä oli juliste Spiderpigistä :D:D Selvennykseksi siis että kun näin leffan niin lauloin yleisön raivostumiseen asti sitä rallatusta.

Just take everything, god damnit.

Being robbed is long way from fun. What I figured out is that even if they take everything, please don't take my credit card.

After I got back from the party, I arranged myself a phone. Fredi lended me a phone and gladly it works with my cable so I can have access to internet aswell. In the shop of the operator they blocked the last SIM-card and got me the same number. Only money loss there and internet still existing without further payments.

I made a report of theft. In the police station.. well, the arrangements there for a foreigner were somewhat interesting. However it was surprisingly easy for being an italian system and I survived from the station within an hour.

I searched for the receit of the camera and went to a internet point to scan all the possible documents needed to my parents. Now it's just waiting for the insurance company.

I blocked my card as soon as I could get to the number of blocking it. They were very nice and making questions about the situation which later on made more clear for me what things needed to be told at the police station. The next morning I called my bank in Finland and even when they were very empathic... they did not help my getting the card at all or didn't make it urgent. I was just left mad, even when I understand it cannot be done so fast.

So, everything was turning out fine again. I was still upset, but everything was working out. My parents transfered all the money on my account to theirs to protect it and they put more money on the account of a finnish friend here and to Laura's account for the trip of Barcelona.

The story continues as my birthday came up the next day. I woke up and my roommate was smiling at me and wishing happy birthday. There was packages waiting for me which made me smile and laugh on my own in my small room. I was smiling.

I went out of the house to have dinner with Milka and to get money from her to have some for living. Everything was fine, until I realized that I didn't find my finnish SIM-card anywhere anymore. I always put it to the same place in my wallet where there is a zipper. I was desperate. I was running through the cafeteria and searching and asking everyone. I was sure it was not at home because I changed the card in the cafeteria. I was again upset.

At the same time as I was searching urgently the card everywhere, Laura calls me to tell that she is so sick that she cannot probably fly. She was not sure yet. I wasn't really focusing on that problem then and she told me she'd call later. By the time that she called me to tell that she had cancelled the flights, I had been sitting in a toilet crying for some time. I was so tired and so unbalanced that I didn't know what to do. I cancelled the meeting for my birthday in the evening because I didn't want them to look at an upset birthday girl and all I really wanted was just to shut myself somewhere inside.

So now.. I don't have my finnish SIM-card and I'm not going to Barcelona as I have no way of getting money. Laura was my only source of money there.

When I finally reached mom, she told me to calm down and drink camomilla, because now I was just loosing things because of being so upset. After sleeping a while I was still sure I didn't want to celebrate this day. I ended up going to Milka's residence watching a film and eating crap-food.

Now I'm just still tired of all the crying... and I'm hungry as well. The good thing in misfortune is that you can see how many people around you are really ready to help you. I'm sure I'm going to be fine, even when I was ready to book the flights back home. I'm going to be fine, because even when I once again need to stand up, there's support. There's people who support me and care enough to give a hand.

Once again, I'm grateful.

House at the beach,

After I came back from Finland a lot has happened. I got to know more of the people I got to know first through Fredi. I met Fabian and Mickela for example. I met them a week ago in the piazza when like on all the Wednesdays the students gather up. I was telling them that we had planned to celebrate my birthday in Prato della Valle on the next Saturday as in a picnic. The original plan also included to go to a nearby city to party and return with one of the first trains. The plan expanded.

In the end at Prato there was a lot of people in the group that I didn't know and with them, in Fabian's car, we went to the near-by city, Mestre (just one before Venezia) to a social palace called Rivolta. I gathers up from a house which some people took over and turned it into a huge club of different sections. It was like a festival where people sell unordinary cd's for a little money and funny t-shirts, but it happens every weekend. There was three different halls of different kinds of music (Reggae, Minimal/Industrial and... I don't know what to call it.)

After the club, at 5-6am the car was directed to the beach. The original plan was to go to Lido to the beach to enjoy sunrise and swim. But the plan expanded as well and we ended up to a private area in Albarella, where Mickela's grandparent(s) have a beachhouse. When they told the plan it sounded very good and dreamish. In the end, as Mickela's wallet had got stolen that evening from Prato della Valle, we couldn't get in.. the whole island of Albarella is private and filled with houses. It is guarded day and night and you can only enter it within certain times. There was a small beach with small boats, so we landed there drinking wine and sleeping. It was like from a movie. Drunk young people talking, laughing and drinking on a beach while the sun is rising.



When we finally did enter, the house turned out to be something that I didn't imagine (based on Hollywood movies of course). It was a small apartment, which had a small garden in front and if you went out of the yard there was water. Not the beach but like a harbour for boats (without boats) with tall sidebuildings and you could just swim there. Milka and I walked around there and were certained that it was a place for only quite wealthy people. There was swimming pools and really glamorous houses.

I have no pictures to show you of any of these events and of the extraordinary looong evening anyway, because in the club at 4am, while dancing and having my purse with me all the times. My phone, camera, cards and some money got stolen. From my bag, which was on me all the times.

Even if I was highly sad about this loss of material, as I'm looking back after few days of "calming down", the evening was great. Like Milka said in the car to Fabian, this is already the greatest night so far and it's not even over yet. If nothing else, it is something to remember. On Sunday we got home at 5pm, so the long evening for us lasted... almost a day and as I looked back to it then, it felt at least like two split nights, not just one long one.

Second of Finland,

Only pictures.

I loved all the seconds.

First of Finland,

There's so many reasons for me not to like Padova and not want to live there. I know that. As well as I know that even if I want to stay in Finland for the old days, I also know that I don't want those days to start just yet.

In the morning I went out for few last things to do anymore. I saw Piero. He doesn't know any english, so it's only italian with him. It's not always so easy, but I'm surprised of my confidence in speaking now. I can actually make jokes and have a conversation. Usually I miss some words and depending on the person the conversation is VAIHTELEVASTI successful. However, I realize that after starting to hang-out more with finnish people my italian has improved. I don't talk so much english and I don't have to focus so much on changing from language to language. Or maybe that has nothing to do with hanging out with finnish people. Maybe it's a change in me. I hope so.

I even enjoy talking italian. It doesn't feel like work anymore.

The last hours at home, I had nothing to do anymore, but I didn't dare to leave the house before actually leaving for the bus station. I did nothing. I couldn't sit in front of the computer but I didn't have anything else to do either... so I just wandered around thinking if I should eat something or pack some more or leave already or... I leave home very early to first catch the tram and then the bus at the station. At the bus station a nun asks me if a bus is a bus to Venezia. She starts to ask where I'm going with such big luggage. She talks slow if I don't understand. When the bus comes I touch her hand to make her aware of it. When she leaves the bus, she touches mine and waves. "Buon viaggio cara!"

On the way to the airport I see a lot of things. There is bright red flowers on the side of the road. A family of ducks going to a river. A HAIKARA. Signs.. I see all signs. Were they all there before, but I was too tired, too sad, too.. something to realize it.

I get to the airport I'm one hour early for the check-in. It goes fast. I read some more of The Alchemist and listen to my mp3-player. I watch at the screen telling me which check-in. There's a storm inside me. I can figure out all the possible reasons why not leave Italy and not go to Finland. And vice versa. I cannot figure out what I want. I think of Mario who just came from Singapore where he found not just love but also a place he wants to go with one way ticket. He fell in love with Singapore like he did with Finland.

Standing in line with all finnish speaking people, I realize how much I dislike it. I even catch myself thinking that I will never take Finnair again because there is nothing but around me. I dislike their need to get everything done right at the very second (no ability to wait). I dislike their way of looking. I think there's only one young girl and a really old guy that look worth getting to know to. Just for a while I like about the world except for my home country.

I have so many reasons to dislike Italy. None of them have anything to do with the country itself. All of them are about my experience here. Why go, why stay. When to go and when to stay? I have no idea.

I just know that I'm (fucking) excited to see my family, grandparents and friends again.. but the excitment does not include the country itself.

There is something that I absolutely adore in leaving. Unknown.

300408

Tässä, kauniina kuin mastodontti konsanaa, suorassa kuin juhannussalko. - Jussi

After I walked through the gates of the airport. Coming from the no-mans-land I felt so out of place. I was happy to be there, but it was strange to understand what the women behind the desk selling sandwichs'said to each other.

Later on I did so much that I didn't usually do when I was in Finland. I talked to an unknown woman on the busstop and she seemed to be happy to be talked to. I walked around in the shops... and finally in the bookstore where I could understand most of the books. In the beginning I even found italians from the food hall of Turku. There is a small italian restaurant where two men were talking italian. I stop, look back...

"you talk italian"
"yes we do"
"how nice"
"sit here and have lunch with us"
"no, i can't now"

The first days I was completely out of place. I wanted back to Italy so bad and I seeked signs to tell me that I belong there. I should be there, but everytime I only found a certain peace of mind that I have when walking these streets. It's a feeling I have for myself when I am here. I like myself here and I'm me in here. I don't think the people who know me in Italy, know the me that people here know and who I know.. or the me I want to be for everyone and in everywhere.

So after some difficulties.. I'll arrive to Finland tomorrow (28.4.) evening 22:50 and stay until the 7th of May 16:15 :)

Live and learn,

So yesterday Giorgio (gift from heavens) got me a the best deal he could get out of the circumstances. So I moved. The ex-appartment is... what it is now. As I was sick, there was a meeting about getting some money back of what I paid for it. Honestly, I will never sign my name to a contract like this EVER... and I feel so stupid that I believed these people from the very beginning and so blindly. The conclusion was that I get no money back. Like Francesco said: "That's legal violence!" Then he started to doubt how legal it is. If I tell you that there's a big possibility that I loose the kind of money that would pay a round trip (from Europe) to South America and a weeks stay, you can figure out for yourself how much money there is considered.

My chances now to get even half of the money back is... well there's a chance, but my hope for it is somewhat low. I still have faith in the good of this land.

As I was talking to mom about it, she told me: "You cannot know things in advance. You do decisions based on the information you have at that moment. Hindsight (jälkiviisaus) and feeling sorry about it doesn't help. Important is to learn about it." And I went: "I've been so unlucky the whole year... in most big things I mean... I'm not saying that it's been all shit through the whole year." And she: "So list the good things of the whole year here, I want to read them!"

And I start... Giorgio, Dino, Mario, Johannes, Päivi, Simona, Till, Carlos, HANNA!!, Giada, Marica --- Genova, Milano, Bergamo, Verona, Venezia multiple times, Trieste, Treviso, Ljubljana, Firenze, Torino, Pisa... all the trips. I learned to make better food. Everything that happened during travels. I've met people I haven't met in years or almost in a year. And how people suddenly care what happens to me even when I'm not in their sight all the time. All my friends back home. All my family. Or maybe...

Maybe I've learned more. It is easier to list things that I've learned more than things that are good. After all, all of this will become good on some level anyway. I've been an optimist before. I still am. I've just been this dreamer-optimist, so maybe this year taught this dreamer-optimist some real-life realism (raakaa realismia).

Good details,

What I was happy about today? After some time of fighting for better time, I see sunshine shining through the pile of branches. I'm still not all the way through, but I will start with telling what made me happy today.

My brother is possibly one of the only men at the moment who make me smile and even when he least wants to do it, he does it. Just a simple start of a conversation from his direction, makes me feel good :)

I got two compliments for my italian today. First I sent a message to Elena who I met through Fredi in February along with Katja who I stayed at when I was in Berlin. First of all her start of the message made me smile all at once "Ciao bellissima!!!Che piacere sentirti!!!" (Hey beautiful!!! What a pleasure to hear from you!!!) and then the continuation made me feel confident for once: "Non pensavo sapessi così bene l'italiano...Complimenti!!!" (I didn't think you know so good italian...Compliments!!!)

The confidence grew even more when Nicola sent me an invitation and as I replied that I'm sick and I cannot come, in the end of his second message after saying that if I change my mind, just should give him a call: "p.s.:complimenti per il tuo italiano..stai migliorando tantissimo!!!!" (p.s.: compliments for your italian.. you're doing really a lot better!!!!)

I booked tickets to Barcelona last week very spontaneously. First my project was to get someone to go with me and in the end, Laura of all the lovely people, decided to go. Lovely enough today I figured out that a girl that was part of the ESN type of thing in Finland with us, offers us a free place to stay! I love the city as a whole already and now I'm spending a great holiday there with these people!

I started yesterday also very spontaneously reading again from the beginning the book of Paolo Coelho called The Alchemist and now after one day I'm over half way done. The book is great for the situation where I'm in right now. It's the most couragement I've needed for sometime now.

Anna (a girl living and studying in Helsinki) and I started an unofficial and very slow-speed project together, but just the thought of it.. even when I haven't done much for it, makes me feel more alive. I have something I like to do and it's pushing me forward.

Mom maybe arranged me a project work for school! Speriamo bene adesso! Wishing for the best now!

Yesterday I was talking to one of my roommates, Giulia, about my exambooks and how hard they are for me to read. We talked about it for some time and then today when I've spent the whole day inside she didn't just offer me a bite to eat when they were eating together but she also came out of nowhere to my door saying that: "I forgot to say yesterday, but if you need help with the exambooks, just ask!" :)

I have been sick for the last two days, lying in my bed.. and now after all those days of sitting inside when it rains and feeling so terrible, I feel good. I feel alive and I'm still not well enough to go outside. But I saw part of blue sky from the window today.

Parempi ruoka, parempi mieli,

I've noticed that everytime I miss home, I bake and cook a lot. I use a lot of time in the kitchen, because it need certain kind of concentration. So lately I have made meatballs with cream sauce and lingonberry jam. I have cooked potatoes almost everyday when usually I just go with easy choices like pasta and rice. Johannes, Päivi, Milka and I went to IKEA for dinner one evening. Within 20 minutes of walking in (and I'm not exaggerating), all of us had eaten 15 meatballs with cream sauce, lingonberry jam and potatoes, a piece of daim cake and an ice cream.

Yesterday I wanted to bake something but we don't have a mixer so the options are limited. I made bread with cheese and olives. It turned out to be a success and even my flatmates (picky italians) liked it a lot. I made it with a style my mom made bread at a point. She just put the dough on a baking plate and put it in the oven. I patted it on the plate like she does. With the bread, I had summer salad. Cold but cooked past with fresh paprika, cucumber mixed together with a sauce (½dl lemon juice, 1dl oil, 1-2 garlic pieces, 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ teaspoons herb salt, 1 teaspoon dried dill or ½ dl of fresh and maybe a little pepper). It is the kind of salad I loved in summer parties. Refreshing and tasty. I even ate it on a paper plate to have the atmosphere.. hehe.

Today I bought strawberries. When I was little, mom cut them into pieces and put some sugar on them.



It's sunshine today, so I'm gonna go to Prato della Valle and suck some energy out of the sun.

Firenze,

So we went to Firenze with Johannes, Milka and Päivi.

Place a warm candle in the empty space, please,

(english below)

Olen huomannut, että minuun on juuriintunut täällä sellainen masennuksen sieni. Pieni vain. Olisin jo valmis menemään kotiin ja tuntemaan taas oloni jokseenkin hyödylliseksi. Kai meissä jokaisessa asuu kuitenkin jonkin asteinen työnarkomaani, joka haluaa tuntea olonsa hyödylliseksi itselle ja muille. Se on myös selvästi ajankysymys. Huomaan uusissa tulokkaissa samoja oireita kuin minussa heidän osassaan tuona ajankohtana omaa vaihtoani. Olen vain evoluution (lue: ajan) seuraava vaihe.

Tiedän, että moni käskisi minun joko olla valittamatta, koska tämä on ehkä ainoa aika jolloin voin nauttia elämästä kiirehtimättä ja toiset voisivat lisätä, että olisipa ihanaa jos itsellä olisi edes hetki aikaa ja pieni tila omille ajatuksille, jossa niitä kuulisi. Minä sanon, että kyllä.. se pieni hetki tai keskikokoinen hetki on ihanaa, kun sen on omasta mielestään ansainnut. En sano, etten olisi ansainnut täällä oloani.. sanon, että kun se tila ja aika omille ajatuksille alkaa olemaan liian suuri, tulee kaiku myös peliin mukaan. Aikaa voi aina järjestää halutessaan itselle, mutta jos sitä on kokoajan, joutuu elämään joka hetken itsensä ja omien ajatustensa kanssa. Itseään ei pääse karkuun hetkeksikään ja kaikki on liian vapaaehtoista. Tilan muodostama kaikupohja suurentaa ongelmia singottamalla samoja jo-käsiteltyjä asioita ympärillä tarpeettoman kauan. Vainoharhainen pääni saa nytkin ongelmia aikaan tyhjästä. Onkohan eläkeelläolo tällaista?

Kaikki ihmiset ympäriltäni häviävät. Puhuin eilen Judithin kanssa Banalessa. Hän sanoi sanat, joita olen itse hakenut ympäriltäni. Ihmiset, jotka ovat kuuluneet vaihtoelämääni alusta lähtien, ovat lähdössä vähitellen. Ympäriltä katoaa vähitellen suuri osa ja tilalle jää tyhjää. Judith katsoi eksyneesti ja surullisesti ympärilleen: "Evi lähtee viikon päästä ja sitten kaikki ovatkin lähteneet. Nyt en näe ympärilläni muita kuin uusia ja vieraita kasvoja, enkä tiedä pidänkö siitä." Minun porukastani Johannes lähti viimeisenä.. hän lähti eilen illalla. Päivi lähtee 11 päivän päästä.

Tunnen ajelehtivani kokoajan. Padova ei tunnu samalta. Minulla ei tunnu olevan ketään kenelle soittaa koska vain. Mielen valtaa vain suuri halu mennä takaisin kotiin. Opiskella, tehdä töitä, kuulua johonkin piiriin, saada ystävät ympärille. Jälleen kerran mieleeni vilahtaa se hetki, kun yliopiston valmennuskurssia esittelevä nainen sanoi lukion liikuntasalin edessä, ettei ole aivan merkityksetöntä mihin kaverit menevät.

--

I've noticed that there is a sponge of depression grown in me. Just a small one. I would be ready to go home and feel myself useful again. I guess in all of us there is still living a small workaholic, who wants to feel useful to themselves and to others. It is obviously a matter of time. I notice similar kind of symptoms in the newbies than I had in that time of my exchange. I'm just the next step in evolution (read: time).

I know that many would tell me to stop whining and enough the only time in my life that I can enjoy without any rush and others would possibly add that it would be lovely if they would have even a little time and space for their own thoughts, where you could also hear them. I say, yes... that little or medium-sized moment would be nice, when you feel like you have deserved it. I'm not saying that I haven't deserved my time and being here.. I say that the space and time to your own thought is beginning to be too big and that is when the echo comes into the circle. You can always arrange time for yourself but if you have it all the time, you cannot escape yourself. You have to live with you and your thoughts every moment. Everything feels to voluntary. The sound board made from the space is beginning to largen unnecessarily much the problems which you already dealt with. My paranoic head is already making problems out of nothing. Is this was being on pension is like?

All the people around me are disolving. I talked to Judith yesterday night in Banale. She said the words I've been searching from around me. The people, which belonged to my exchange life from the beginning, are now slowly leaving. The most is departuring from around me and there is just empty space. Judith looked around a bit lost and sad: "Evi is going next week and then they are all gone. Now I don't see nothing but new and unknown faces around me and I don't know if I like it." From my group of people, Johannes left last.. he left yesterday night. Päivi is leaving in 11 days.

I feel like floating all the time. Padova doesn't feel the same. I feel like I don't have someone to call anymore at any time of the day. My mind is filled with the want of going home. To study, to work, to belong somewhere, get my friends around me. Once again I get the moment in front of my eyes when the university preparation course person is in front of the gym hall saying that it isn't meaningless where your friends are going.

April 7th 2008 in Padova (in pictures)

Because sometimes it is hard to write about it, I thought you'd might like to see it yourself. Just one day of my life in Padova in pictures. Click the images to see the closer.

Morning is about routines. I watch out of the window, check my e-mail and look into the mirror. I write to my happiness calender what I was happy about yesterday.

It's a beautiful day and people are out of their nests. I bike to the center like every Padovian.

I meet Maria, for lunch. We go to a lovely little lunch cafe' which sells piadine of different kind. I have mozzarella, tonno and pomodori. After I go to the bookstore to buy a book for a filmology exam and just to spend some quality time in wise company.

I read in the bookstore and after meeting my flatmates quickly, meeting an italian going to Turku at the same time, I read some more in the riverside. A book about how to talk dirty in different countries, some of the exam book and a finnish women's magazine. As the sun shines some more.

I meet Simona at Piazza delle Erbe. We have a good talk on what's going on around us. We both smile. Then we go to Prato to have a laugh filled conversation on if twins have the same dna or not with Benjamin and Johannes. Some hours go by and also a visitor to see if there's some more bread left :)

I have dinner in a school cafeteria with Giorgio after not seeing him in a long time again. Afterwards we have a talk on relationships, my apartment issues and icecream for dessert.

I bike through Portello to see two finnish girls do the string and hattivatti dance. To talk about finnish language and just to hang around in a cafe'/study room/bar called Fahrenheit.

Johannes, Milka, Päivi and Franco. Päivi was telling bad jokes.

Beni played the piano twice and said it was the first time he got applaudes.

Before midnight I was already in bed.

Challenge for you and me,

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything you want!

-

Kaikilla on asioita, joista kirjoitetaan blogiin. Perusjuttuja. Kaikilla on myös asioita, joista ei kirjoiteta blogiin. Haasta minut pois mukavuusalueelta ja kerro jotain mistä en yleensä kirjoita blogiini, mutta sinä haluaisit kuulla siitä - ja minä kirjoitan. Pyydä mitä vain!

Nel temporale senza scarpe bellissime,

It is thundering so bad that the car alarms went off in the near-by parking lot. Now our lights went out, so if this text ends somewhat quickly, it's because the dead american-indians (who's cemetery Prato della Valle used to be according to Lorenzo) came after me :)

Do you remember the girl I met in the train while going to Trieste in November to meet Walter? She was studying in Milano but had been studying in Padova as well and she said that she comes here every now and then. I met her about few weeks ago in a club! It was so strange. She went into a complete shock and was just laughing there. Apparently she had also been talking about me just at the same moment. And who says there's no magic :) Or faith or.. whatever you want to call it.

My new roommates are great. Alessandra is home mostly and studying for some exams. She's studying something with politics and is from Bergamo. Really calm and nice. Giulia and Camilla are home only for the nights.. otherwise they stay outside or at study rooms or class. They are best friends and from Verona. Francesco is never here. I don't even know much to tell about him, because according to Alessandra she's also seen him maybe twice within a month. What I know is that he studies engineering.

(1) Giulia and Camilla (they had some kind of fight of wills going on there) (2) My table under the bed while the lights were out. (3) The other end of the room.

Today Alessandra made a promise that she'll just talk italian to me. I've started to get a bit nervious about my italian. I talk so little and I've been here already 6 months now... people keep on mobbing me about it. While I was walking through the city with Katri, I realized that I've always been really slow with languages. I mean, I can have a conversation in italian already, but I always am missing many words and I'm shy to have conversations between more than just one other person. When I was starting to learn english, it took me years to get to the point of writing this good english and speak as fluently as I do now. I started to write a blog also then and then slowly it got better. I took breaks and it took years. Then I started tutoring exchange students, that's when it all got off. Now I can say I can speak it well and I know good english (at least I did before coming here to mess up my whole language system). Anyhow, I decided this changing apartment is also a changing point with the language. More confidence, more practice.

I enjoy living here and I like my room a lot. It's a single room with a loft bed (parvisänky?) and I sleep so well in it. The room is a bit dark, but it doesn't matter. I have my own biig table, lots of storage space, bookshelf space in the living room. We share so much from sugar to spice, from washing powders to soil cleanser. Francesco came to fix the lights.. they just didn't go on after this proper thunderstorm. He's never here and now after 20 mins of going, he came back and first thing in the between the door: "Non ho dimenticato niente!" I didn't forget anything! Then I made baked potatoes for myself and left the room to pick up the phone, going back Giulia had her moment: "mmmm buoni ma poco piccanti" (mmm good but a bit spicy) with a focused look on her face :P

The only thing left worrying me about my ex-house is money. There is a big gas bill coming and I don't know how to pay that if I cannot get the money from the landlord. And it also looks like this change for a better mental health is costing me quite a lot, but we will still see what happens here.

I feel alive and dandy. Even though there's some problems always on the back of my mind haunting me, they don't get to me so much like before. I actually like walking the streets of Padova and I enjoy every ray of sun. I even feel like standing up for lessons in the morning, even though noone cares if I'm there. On Tuesday at the time of the lunch, I realized I smiled without any certain reason just because I could.. and it felt great. I have some kind of a peace of mind stage for a while. Hello, where have you been?

I have been partying with friends who stay and friends who leave in a short period of time.

I've got visits. Tuomo was visiting me for few nights. We went to Venice where the poor fake product sellers were escaping the police (1) and we went to Prato's market (2) and ate chinese (3).

Katri came for a visit and we went sunbathing as the sun was heating with over 20 degrees. Giorgio watching my strange drawings (1), Nicola reading the songs in a cd (2), Katri being cute (3). Otherwise Katri's visit was quite a casino with this moving stuff and all the arrangements. First 3 nights we were couch hopping.

And one lovely day 3 finnish girls and a crazy brit walked through the whole city just to go to Lidl.

Moving out, moving in,

(short version in english below)

// update - äiti sanoi, että allaolevassa tekstissä on paljon aukkoja, joten paikkailin niitä hieman ja yritin saada muutoksesta helpommin ymmärrettävää.

Ei postia enää osoitteeseen Via Montà! Muutin, enkä pysty postittamaan uutta osoitettani kaikille. Laitan sen sähköpostitse kaikille, joiden osoite minulla on, heti kun se on tilanteen puolesta mahdollista!

Yksityiskohtiin. Keskiviikko oli erikoinen päivä. Yhteen päivään voi mahtua niin paljon stressiä ja niin paljon ihania juttuja. Tuomo oli minun luona kylässä parin yön verran (välissä kävi Roomassa ja tuli takaisin pariksi yöksi). Tuomon viimeisenä iltana tultiin kymmenen tienoilla kotiin, hieman hiprakassa aloitettiin katsomaan elokuvaa ja tekemään nopeaa pastaruokaa. Jossain vaiheessa Anna huusi meidän huoneesta, että missä hänen vihreä vilttinsä on. Minulla kun sattuu olemaan samanlainen. Kävin selvittämässä asiaa, joka oli niin että Tuomon lainaama (neidin peitto) oli olohuoneessa selkänojalla (jossa sitä oli myös säilytetty). Hän sitten kovaan ääneen salamoi, että ei toisen peittoa saa ottaa se on intiimiasia. Kumman tästä asiasta tekee se, että minä lainasin hänelle omaa talvipeittoani, jolle olin allerginen. Hän pisti omansa vierashuoneeseen, jossa se oli vieraille käytössä. Nyt tämä peitto oli kadonnut vierashuoneesta, minä en tiedä missä minun peittoni on ja hän alkaa rääkymään peittonsa intiimiydestä. Hieman myöhemmin hän tuli vielä olohuoneeseen, jossa katsottiin Tuomon kanssa elokuvaa ja oltiin juuri syömässä. Hän kävi keittiössä: "Voitteko siivota tuolla. Sitten kun Marica ja Giada tulee kotiin, niin meidän on keskusteltava tästä asiasta, koska tää tilanne on aivan mahdoton!"

Siinä teille maistiaiset neidin logiikasta. Minä en kyllä tajua mistä tilanteesta on kyse. Illalla sitten menin tosi kakoissa fiiliksissä nukkumaan ja heräsin janoon yöllä. En nukkunutkaan sitten sen aamuneljän jälkeen. Tuomo yritti asemalle käveltäessä piristää kovasti ja saikin nauramaan pari kertaa. Sen voimalla ei kuitenkaan eletty hirvittävän pitkälle. Pyöräilin Tuomon lähdettyä Prato della Vallelle selässä reppu, joka sisälsi melkein kaiken mun tärkeimmän. Soitin Päiville, josko tehtäisiin jotain kun tiesin, että hänellä on vapaa päivä. Giulia soitti melkein heti perään ja kysyi missä meennään. Hän oli todella joustava ja ymmärtäväinen. Saisin tuoda tavarani uuteen asuntoon jo saman illan aikana. Siinä vaiheessa kiirettä ei vielä ollut, ajattelin että huomenna sitten. Giulian kanssa puhuttuani jouduin nieleskelemään kyyneleitä koko pyöräilymatkan Päiville. Portaita ylös kulkiessani äiti soitti ja jouduin pitkän hetken yrittämään rauhoittua siinä käytävässä.. liiemmin onnistumatta. Päivin ovelle vihdoin päästyäni en osannut sanoa muuta kuin "oisko sulla paperia". Päivi vaan halasi ja minä sitten itkeä täristelin toisen olkapäätä vasten.

Päivi on vietti koko päivän minun negatiivisen, pessimistisen ja surullisen puoleni kanssa. En pidä itsestäni tällaisena, joka lisää sotkuun vielä lisämausteen. Käytiin lounaan jälkeen pakkaamassa kaikki tavarat. Sain kummallisia väsymyskohtauksia aina välillä, tyttö piti mut henkisesti pystyssä kokoajan ja oli järjen äänenä koko pakkaamisessa. Pakkaamisen jälkeen istuin nettikahvilassa maanpaossa pari tuntia, jonka jälkeen Giorgio tuli juttelemaan omistajanaisen kanssa. Nainen pistikin kovat kortit pöytään, eikä päästänyt niin helpolla tilanteesta, mutta onneksi Giorgio osasi myös hommansa. Siinä on kyllä yksi taivaanlahja. Sanoinkin, että tunnen itseni niin hyödyttömäksi yksin, koska en pysty tekemään mitään kunnolla yksin. Lopuksi vuokraemäntä kysyi vielä lähdenkö siksi, että minulla ja Annalla ei mene yksiin. Sanoin Giorgiolle, että vastaa sen minkä näkee parhaaksi vastata. Hän sanoi, että olin jo aiemmin päättänyt lähteä, mutta tämä riita vauhditti lähtemistä.

Illalla kävin vielä kaupungilla ja kahdeksalta Johannes tuli autolla viemään minun kamoja Päivin kanssa. Ennen yhdeksää olin jo muuttanut. Nyt on jo helpompi olo. Asun olohuoneessa toistaiseksi. Sunnuntaina saan omat avaimet ja ehkä maanantaina pääsen jo omaan huoneeseen. Ollaan Katrin kanssa vähän tuuliajolla tällä hetkellä. Nukuttiin ensimmäinen yö olohuoneen 80cm sängyssä molemmat. Huominen yö päästään Eevan luokse punkkaamaan ja sitä seuraava yö pitäisi vielä kanssa saada jotenkin järjestettyä. Sitten maanantaina toivon, että päästäisiin jo uuteen huoneeseeni, koska minua stressaa jo muutenkin tämä alituinen paikan hankkiminen... tuntuu että olen kokoajan vaikeuttamassa ihmisten elämiä ja tiellä.

Olen sanattoman kiitollinen kaikesta avusta ja tuesta jota olen saanut osakseni täällä. Giorgio on jaksanut joka päivä rauhoitella minua ja puhua puolestani, taistella puolestani. Päivi on pitänyt melkein fyysisestikin pystyssä kokoajan ja jaksanut kuunnella ja auttaa. Giulia ja Camilla olivat molemmat todella joustavia ja ymmärtäväisiä tilanteen suhteen. Johannes jaksoi myös jutella asiasta ja auttaa muutossa auton kanssa. Marica ja Giada pitivät puoliani taistelutantereella neiti A:n kanssa. Sitten on vain muita ihmisiä, jotka ovat piristäneet pelkällä olemassaolollaan.. Tuomo, Fredi, Mauro, Marco... <3

Äiti, isi ja Jussi. Aina siellä<3 Sen tietäminen on jo tarpeeksi.

-

No mail to the old address Via Montà anymore! I moved and I cannot post my new address to everyone. I will write an e-mail to everyone that I have e-mail addresses from, as soon as the situation allows it!

I moved out yesterday due to a situation and a boost to the decision. Packed and moved out and moved in within one day. I'm happier. I'll be even more when this whole process is over with.

I'm lacking words for the gratefulness I have of all the help and support I have got. Giorgio has everyday had the energy to calm me down and talk for me, fight for me. Päivi has almost also physically kept me standing all the time and listened and helped. Giulia and Camilla were both very flexible and understanding about the situation. Johannes was always there to talk to and helping with moving. Marica and Giada. Then there is so many other people who have just made me feel better, just by being there and being interested, caring.. Tuomo, Fredi, Mauro, Marco, Simona, Hanna.. <3

Mom, dad and Jussi. Always there <3 Just knowing that is enough.

Padova by night,

Hanna,

Hanna lähti sillä aikaa kun olin Saksassa. On tuntunut tosi vaikeelta sisäistää se nyt tänne takas tullessa. Hanna oli aina se kenelle soitin ja ketä tuli istumaan aurinkoon mun kanssa. Kenen kanssa kävin ulkona. Kenen kanssa juttelin kaikesta.

Kirjoitin eilen mailia hänelle:

"Hey love,

I have this strange depression going on. I miss you all the time here and I didn't think it would be so hard to get used to some people going. I mean some people left and I spent a lot of time with them too, but it didn't feel so bad. Now you are gone and everyday there is something I would want to call you about or ask you to do with me. And it doesn't help that everyone has something else to do this weekend. Thank god I got Eeva to go dancing with me tonight..

Padova, I can't really say what it is right now. It's strange because I don't see familiar people around me anymore. There's lacking so much and it feels somewhat empty to me. Many people somehow ignore me... like yesterday I was talking to Tatjana (slovakian girl) and then someone new asks me "oh you're finnish" "yes" "can you take a picture of us" (as in me taking the picture of other people).. funny how personally I can take such ordinary situation if I'm feeling bad myself. I'll get over it eventually. Just so much stress right now. And even though I sound depressed right now, don't worry about me. It's just again my process on getting over these holes which people leave around me when they go. I guess it's good too.. good preparation for going home and a sign on that I care alot.

I missssss you soooooo much! I will dance Blink182 for you, drink a spritz with you and hug some strangers in the street for you :) I wish you were here!

BACIONE!"

Olen ollut niin väsynyt viimeiset 15 päivää matkustamisesta, sotkuista, unenpuutteesta ja niin monista tapahtumista, että huomasin tänään kuinka paljon mulla oikeastaan on ja on ollut. On ihana huomata ajoittain kuinka onnellinen on hassusti huomaamatta ollutkaan. Soitin Johannekselle kun kävelin pois asemalta ja höpöteltiin hyvän aikaa. Näin Giorgion lounaalla ja oi mulla oli ikävä niitä lounashetkiä kun saan taas heittää hervotonta juttua sen kanssa. Kaiken lisäks pesin farkkuni Piovegon coca-colalla, kun uudet helmet kaato lasin syliin. Päivi lähetti ihanan viestin, että olipa pitkät 10 päivää. Ja lopuks juttelin Peterin kanssa onlinessa pitkästä aikaa (oon aina hymyä kun kuulen siitä pojasta):

Peter: hehe. U know, U r kind of life artist :P (if there is such a word. :P) U used to say that U don't really like Padova and now U wanna stay
Milla: yaaaaj :P someone said it's a real finnish thing. trying and wanting to be happy all the time, which is obviously not possible, but we do it all the time and that's why if something doesn't work we get so sad and easily depressed.
Peter: then I'm finnish in my soul. :)

Oi Saksanmaa (osa 1)

On tää elämä kyllä aika mielenkiintoista ja hyppeleväistä lopulta.. tulin kotiin takaisin Saksasta maanantai-iltapäivänä. Matka oli melkein 12 tuntia, kun ensin lähdin Katjan luota taksitolpalle, taksitolpalta lentokentälle, kentältä parin tunnin odotuksen jälkeen koneeseen, kone lentoon ja lento Bergamon Orioon, Oriosta Milanoon, Milanossa tapasin tunnin verran Francescoa (kotoisin Calabriasta), jonka jälkeen istuin täydessä junassa klo 11:21 matkalla Padovaan. Koko matkan olin aivan yliväsynyt pitkästä matkasta ja lyhyistä yöunista. Toki perillä ei enää nukuttanut lain, joten lähdin vielä näkemään kavereita pitkästä aikaa. Lopulta nukahdin sohvalle :D Että se sit seuraavistakin yöunista.

Matkalla aika eteni hetkittäin todella hitaasti, toisinaan nopeasti ja kerran se pysähtyi kokonaan. Kun lähdin (6.3.) en olisi halunnut lähteä koko maahan. Padovassa jäi useampi asia kesken, suurimpana niistä muutto. Kun kone kuitenkin lähti lentoon ja pääsi pilvien yläpuolelle, sain nukkua suorassa auringonpaisteen lämmössä tunnin verran. Laskeuduin Münsterin lentokentälle, jossa menin suoraan infotiskiltä kyselemään miten pääsee Osnabrückiin. Ysiluokkalainen harjoittelijapoika toi mut sitte bussipysäkille ja selitti huonolla englannilla miten pääsen ja mikä linja. Punasteli hassu kokoajan ja pyyteli anteeks englantiaan :)



Kun olin yksin tyhjällä lentokentällä hymistellyt mp3:sia tunnin verran, bussi osoittautui sellaiseksi pieneksi yhteensä ehkä 10-12 hengen bussiksi. Söpöhän tuo oli ja meni alle tunnissa Osnikseen. Vietin keskenäni kallista aikaa Starbucksissa, jonne Nina suuntasi töiden jälkeen. Oli ihana kun se juoksi kahvilassa halaamaan :) Onhan siitä sitte jo 2 kuukautta kun viimeksi nähtiinkin. Juteltiin melkeinpä siinä mun syödessä aamupalaksi juustokakkua kaikki jutut ja illalla syötiin fondueta Ninan perheen ja poikaystävän, Johanneksen, kanssa.





Seuraavana päivänä (7.3.) suuntasin jo suoraan Nilsin luo, Blankenburgiin. Juttelin ensin pitkien yöunien jälkeen Johanneksen kanssa Ninasta ja siitä miten Nina lähti yhtäkkiä Italiasta, kun neiti itse oli akupunktiohoidossa :P Johannes oli huolissaan ja jännityksissään, koska nyt tätä kirjoittaessani jo he ovat muuttaneet yhteiseen asuntoon.


Juna-asemalla sain Ninalta Sudokukirjan, jota täyttelin matkan aikana aika ahkerasti. Hassua kuitenkin, että sudokukin käy niin nopeesti tylsäksi.. joo 1,2,3,4.. miten jotkut ihmiset jaksaakin innostua siitä niin verisesti? Hannoverissa mua odotti kahden tunnin vaihtoaika. Kuljeskelin siis perjantaimarkkinoilla ympäriinsä ja päädyin ostamaan mausteita. (Kyllä tillikin epämääräisesti pakattuna tuli tullista läpi!) Hannoverissa oli taas kerran sellaisia hetkiä, joita mulla on tässä ollut hetkittäin. Tiedättekö leffoista ne semmoiset hetket kun joku kuuntelee musiikkia ja se on ainoa mitä kuuntelee, ne katsoo ikkunasta ulos ja miettii jotain aivan omissa maailmoissaan. Sellaisia mä harrastin koko tuon päivän ja monesti muutenkin junassa ollessa. Olin kaukana siitä penkistä.





Ennen kuin saavuin Wernigerodeen, jossa minun piti tavata Nils, puhelin kuoli. Olin ladannut sitä koko yön, mutta se silti päätti irtisanoa akun ja puhelimen välisen telepatian. Astuin junasta ulos, ilman että tiesin ketään paikkakunnalla tai edes mihin suuntaan lähteä, että pääsisin keskustaan. Ei oltu edes sovittu tapaamispaikkaa. Minun piti odottaa kyseisessä kaupungissa n. 2 tuntia, koska Nils oli vasta tulossa Nürnbergistä tärkeästä työhaastattelusta. Matkalla näin tytön, jonka rinkassa oli Suomen ja Ruotsin lippu. Uskaltauduin kysymään häneltä suuntaa keskustaan ja neuvoa missä voisin ladata kännykkää. Hän oli kovin ystävällinen maailmankansalainen ja päädyin jo-suljettuun viinikauppaan lataamaan kännykkää hetkeksi, jossa paikallinen ystäväpiiri oli viettämässä viini-illallista. Huonoa englantia puhuvat kuuskymppiset terhakkaat pariskunnat olivat kovin huolissaan minusta. Lopulta pääsin lataamaan kännykkää pidemmäksi aikaa panimoravintolaan, josta Nilskin minut lopulta löysi. Oli kaunista olla hetki kadoksissa maailmassa, aivan yksin. En pelännyt missään vaiheessa, vaan huomasin kehittäneeni itselleni jossain matkan varrella luottamuksen itseeni ja muihin ihmisiin. Jotenkin tilanne aina selviää. Olin pikkuruisessa kaupungissa, valottomana aikana ja hetken aivan hukassa.

Nilsin vaatekaappi :D

Aamulla (8.3.) lähdettiin kunnon leipomosta haettujen sämpylöiden syönnin jälkeen Harzin luonnonpuistoon. Ajettiin mutkikasta tietä ylösalas matalilla kukkuloilla, joissa oli tiheä harmaa puukanta. Matkalla näkyi talo, jossa luki isolla hostelli, mutta se oli täysin rapistunut ja kaikki ikkunat oli rikottu. Itä-Saksa. Kavuttiin kuulumisten vaihdon yhteydessä yhdelle korkeimmista kohdista (Brocken, 1142m), jossa oli lunta :) Oli piristävää kävellä puiden keskellä, kun pitkästä aikaa en ollut kunnon metsään päässyt kävelemään. Tuoksukin oli aivan erilainen. Vaikka illalla jalat huusi jo, lähdettiin vielä Quedlinburgin UNESCOkaupunkiin syömään intialaista.

Illalla nukahdettiin sohvatuoleihin viinilasit kädessä.







9. päivä suunnattiin Nilsin tyttöystävän, Susannen, luo. Tajusin muuten kuvia selaillessani, ettei minulla ole hänestä yhtään kuvaa. Ajomatkalla kuunneltiin Nilsin Sibelius-levyltä Finlandiaa ja viulukonserttoja. Oli hassua ajella Saksan laakeiden peltomaisemien läpi ja kuunnella jotain niin tuttua, mutta mahtipontista. Tietä tuijotellessa mietin, että Nilsille tämä reitti on todella tuttu, mutta minulle ei. Hän ei katso maisemia ensimmäistä kertaa ja siksi ne näyttävät aivan eri puolia hänelle. Minulle tuo ja tuo ja tuo puu on vain puita, kun hänelle se kertoo kuinka pitkä matka on vielä tai muistuttaa kun joku sanoi jotain juuri tässä kohtaa tai sen puun muoto muistuttaa häntä aina karhuista.

Marburgissa perillä oli käännettävä pää pois ja hymyiltävä hymisteltävä itsekseen kun Nils ja Susanne tapasivat taas pitkästä aikaa :) Käveltiin illalla Marburgin kaupungissa, sen linnalle ylös mäkeä. Tunsin itseni Kattokassiseksi siellä, näytti aivan sen kirjan piirroksilta. Söin tzatzikia ennen nukkumaan menoa!







Neljäntenä matkustuspäivänä (10.3.) tehtiin Nilsin kanssa jotain mitä kumpikaan ei ole tehnyt aiemmin. Mentiin thai-hierojalle. Se oli aika jännää. Ensin kun mentiin, niin ensinnäkään hierojat ei puhunut mitään niistä kielistä mitä mä puhun ja toisekseen ei kumpikaan oltu varmoja onko se toinen hieroja mies vai oliko se joskus mies. Toisin sanoen, en ole koskaan nähnyt niin rotevaa ja pitkää aasialaisnaista. En kyllä miestäkään sen puoleen. Seinällä olevien sertifikaattien kuvissa näytti kuitenkin enemmän naiselta. Hieronta itsessään oli loistavaa ja rentouttavaa. Maattiin sellaisten lämmitettyjen sänkyjen päällä. Lopuksi niskavillat oli aivan öljyiset!

Käytiin ostamassa ainekset pasta carbonaraan, josta on tullut mun niin sanottu bravuuri italialaisruuista. Kallistahan tuo on kun pekoni maksaa, mutta hyvää ja se tuntuu kelpaavan kaikille :) Tein sitten kiitokseksi päivällistä Susannelle ja Nilsille.







(osa 2 - tulossa pian)